stay tuned

I'm not exactly sure what's happening. I just feel a change happening inside me. It's like.....

• floating in a river and feeling the water all around you and the sun beaming warm on you and hearing birds and water and stillness all at the same time
• my mind wants to engage in the discussion but my heart keeps telling it to be still
• a heaviness in my chest that isn't stress or anxiety and doesn't actually feel that heavy but it's solid, like a firm foundation being built in the core of my being

I really don't know what's going on inside my spirit/heart....I don't think I even want to know. I just want to get out of the way of whatever He is doing and let Him get on with it. I don't know what it's going to look/feel like when He's done.

The only certainty is that it will be beautiful.

It's late. I'm awake....Let's chat!

It's too late for a girl like me to be up. My body is willing to sleep but my brain is not cooperating. So, I thought I would give this a try. Maybe if I get it out of my head and into cyberspace, my brain will leave me alone. My apologies up front for what might come next.

• I think I want to be an American until Nov. 5th, 2008. I want to vote in their election almost as much as I wanted to vote in my own.
• I think I want to beat a number of Americans because they don't want to vote.
• I wonder what it must be like to be Obama or McCain? Do they lay awake at night, their brains racing faster than their bodies or are they so dog tired that they fall off into dreamless sleeps?
• I want smaller boobs...but I don't want to go through surgery or go on a diet.....any ideas?
• I love my children so much that just thinking about them makes me cry....and sometimes I get so frustrated with them that it makes me cry....I cry too much I think.
• If being single is the right choice for me, which I think it is, then why do I feel so lonely?
• Writing a blog seems like a very self-centered thing to do....it's all about me.....look at me! look at me!!! but it's kind of fun, too...it's like an imaginary conversation with a ton of people you can't see or hear but you know they are out there listening and that somehow brings you comfort and spurs you on to the next post no matter how silly or irrelevant it actually it is.
• It is SOOOOOO time for me to find some sleep!!
• I have a sinus infection which really sucks because you look like crap and you feel like crap and you are whiny like a baby but it's only a sinus infection so you get no respect.
• I really want Jesus to be present in my life. I super want Him to take over my community. I look around the room sometimes and I see all the wonderful people he has made. Even the ones I don't know or don't like are wonderfully made and that's the cool thing about him...I just want Him to run me over with a truck full of understanding and love so I can start to get how to REALLY love people.
• I think I have one of the coolest jobs in the world. It's small, but it touches a lot of people.
• I think I have a book downstairs. Maybe I should go read that instead of torturing you all with this???
• OK. It's really time for me to find some sleep!

I think I'm in love!

I never knew how passionate I felt about the democratic process. I love an election!!! I can't explain how great it was to go to a polling station today and mark my X on the ballot. For the first time ever, I was passionate about my freedom to vote. I even called people I know and harassed them to get out and vote. I couldn't care less who they were voting for. I just wanted them to vote!!!!!


I think part of the difference for me is the American Presidential race. (Go Obama) That race really got me thinking about the importance of voting for Americans...and then I thought, what about me??? As a Canadian, isn't it important for me to vote??? Well, heck, yes!!! I wasn't particularly taken with any one party leader. I thought they were all equally boring and stiff. And then I watched the English-language leaders debate and fell in love. I actually saw some personality. I was becoming more and more invested in the Canadian political process and now I'm just plain smitten.

And then I really started to think about all the people all over this world who don't have this freedom. There are people that will walk for hours to get to a polling station. The least I can do is hop in my car, drive for five minutes, walk right in, present my ID, and cast my ballot. No one harassed me. No one intimidated me with a machine gun. No one threatened my life. How can I look at the rest of the world and say, "If only you had the democratic freedom to voice your opinion through voting, you'd be much better off" and not go vote myself!

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant. I sure hope you got out to vote...if you didn't, just don't tell me.

today/tomorrow

Today:

1. I am thankful for my children. I never knew two little people could make you feel so much in a 30 second period.
2. I am thankful for time to hang out at home and do nothing but hang out at home.
3. I am thankful that God has brought me to a place where I can make choices based on what is right as opposed to what is right for other people...at least some of the time.
4. I am thankful for another day off work so I can rest my brain a little longer.

Tomorrow:

1. I will be thankful for my children....even when they fight with each other and are driving me crazy or make me want to cry because I love them so much.
2. I will be thankful to go to a friend's house because I spent so much time hanging out at home.
3. I will be thankful that I made the right choice, even though it can be a little lonely.
4. I will be thankful that I have the day off work to rest my brain a little more.

Is it possible in my world?

Excellence.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately; wondering if it's even possible. I have a bent toward it. I desire it. I want to be it....but is it possible for someone like me who lives in this particular context?

When I think of excellence, I think of Olympic athletes, major CEOs, or Mother Theresa. The one thread between them is sacrifice. I think of all the hours focused in one direction. I think of all the time away from family and friends. These are things I cannot do, I will not do, as a single parent. I will not spend hours focused on my work at the expense of my children.

Does this mean I am relegated to a life of professional and personal mediocrity?

What do you think? Let me know. It's always better to process together.