updates

A lot has been going on lately. I guess a big part of that has to do with the season and the end of the semester approaching. I've also been on the road a lot with my job. It's been fun to get away from the everyday and to get some time to see my sister while at my last stop.

Last weekend was our first snowstorm. It just so happened that my children were spending the weekend with their auntie. They got quite the surprise when they came home. With money from their great-grandpa, Poppy Don, I was able to paint and decorate their room a little bit.

This is their cozy-corner. They really like to snuggle in there together to watch a movie or to read a while. It used to be fort-like with old pillows collected from every possible area in the house. Now it's much more "spacious".

This is the finished product of their bunk-beds. Emma's up top. She considers this space to be her "room", so I tried to give her some privacy, thus the tie-dye curtain on the front. If you look closely, you will see that her back wall is red and orange flames on a black background. She would have loved to have the entire room painted that way, which could not have happened. At least now her "room" has some of her favorite decor. The bottom bunk belongs to Katie. She now has a fuzzy green pillow that matches her comforter. She is very excited to have a room where most things match and coordinate. She's a decorater and organizer at heart, so she was screaming with delight when she walked into this room.

That's about it for us in the last couple of weeks. I am home today with Emma. She's feeling really under the weather with a nasty, nasty cough. And what better way to spend a sick day at home.......

That's her spending some 45 minutes with Archie and Jughead. Who knew??

ahh, Mondays

So I've taken today off so I can have a four day weekend. What was I thinking???? The grand plan was to simplify the house....declutter, clean, throw stuff out, etc. How much of that has been done? 0 that's how much. It's been a complete wash. I've been tired and lazy and gone to meetings and hospitals and seen family, but no cleaning!!!

It started me to wonder how people who are starving or are in the middle of a war do it. I don't have any of that and I can't get off the couch. Maybe they have motiviation because their lives depend on it, I don't know. But this sitting in the lap of luxury isn't working to motivate me so very well.

Did I mention I'm starting to feel sick again??? Not so happy about that one.

ahh, Mondays

So I've taken today off so I can have a four day weekend. What was I thinking???? The grand plan was to simplify the house....declutter, clean, throw stuff out, etc. How much of that has been done? 0 that's how much. It's been a complete wash. I've been tired and lazy and gone to meetings and hospitals and seen family, but no cleaning!!!

It started me to wonder how people who are starving or are in the middle of a war do it. I don't have any of that and I can't get off the couch. Maybe they have motiviation because their lives depend on it, I don't know. But this sitting in the lap of luxury isn't working to motivate me so very well.

Did I mention I'm starting to feel sick again??? Not so happy about that one.

testing

trying something new

I do love an election!!!

It's November 4th and I am so excited!!!! Today, Americans vote for their next President and I might be more excited than some of them. I'm not sure what's gotten into me, but I can't get enough information. I love hearing the stories of people voting for the first time. I actually cried in my car this morning when I heard about people lined up around city blocks waiting for their chance to vote. It's not even my country!!!!

So, if you see me tomorrow and I'm looking tired, you would be correct. I'm in a hotel room in Saint John tonight and it has cable, which means I get CNN!!! Hurray!!!!

simplifying isn't so simple

I don't know if it's because it's a new academic year or if it's just because it's time, but I feel an intense need to simplify my living space. We have TOO much stuff. It is constantly underfoot. It feels as if it's crawling out of every nook and cranny like the Blob in an old black and white movie. It's as if it has a life of its own and it is daring me to tame it.

My heart is ready to accept the challenge, but my schedule and pocket book want to thwart my efforts. This is probably the busiest fall season I have experienced. It seems like everyday is filled with one appointment or another and each week is different. There seems to be little consistency in my schedule. Some would find that invigorating. I do not. I like predictability. I find freedom in repetitive scheduling. I have found the fall to be extremely challenging: emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I have not had a true sense of equilibrium. I LONG for equilibrium. Repetition brings equilibrium!!!

Thus my current desire for a simplified home where all the contents within are functional and useful. I'm tired of having stuff only for the sake of having stuff. I want to go through all my cupboards and closests and the basement (yikes!) and get rid of everything....like cleaning your house for moving, except without the moving.

So stay tuned. There may be some free stuff posted on here. I would love for my clutter to become your functional and useful tool.

stay tuned

I'm not exactly sure what's happening. I just feel a change happening inside me. It's like.....

• floating in a river and feeling the water all around you and the sun beaming warm on you and hearing birds and water and stillness all at the same time
• my mind wants to engage in the discussion but my heart keeps telling it to be still
• a heaviness in my chest that isn't stress or anxiety and doesn't actually feel that heavy but it's solid, like a firm foundation being built in the core of my being

I really don't know what's going on inside my spirit/heart....I don't think I even want to know. I just want to get out of the way of whatever He is doing and let Him get on with it. I don't know what it's going to look/feel like when He's done.

The only certainty is that it will be beautiful.

It's late. I'm awake....Let's chat!

It's too late for a girl like me to be up. My body is willing to sleep but my brain is not cooperating. So, I thought I would give this a try. Maybe if I get it out of my head and into cyberspace, my brain will leave me alone. My apologies up front for what might come next.

• I think I want to be an American until Nov. 5th, 2008. I want to vote in their election almost as much as I wanted to vote in my own.
• I think I want to beat a number of Americans because they don't want to vote.
• I wonder what it must be like to be Obama or McCain? Do they lay awake at night, their brains racing faster than their bodies or are they so dog tired that they fall off into dreamless sleeps?
• I want smaller boobs...but I don't want to go through surgery or go on a diet.....any ideas?
• I love my children so much that just thinking about them makes me cry....and sometimes I get so frustrated with them that it makes me cry....I cry too much I think.
• If being single is the right choice for me, which I think it is, then why do I feel so lonely?
• Writing a blog seems like a very self-centered thing to do....it's all about me.....look at me! look at me!!! but it's kind of fun, too...it's like an imaginary conversation with a ton of people you can't see or hear but you know they are out there listening and that somehow brings you comfort and spurs you on to the next post no matter how silly or irrelevant it actually it is.
• It is SOOOOOO time for me to find some sleep!!
• I have a sinus infection which really sucks because you look like crap and you feel like crap and you are whiny like a baby but it's only a sinus infection so you get no respect.
• I really want Jesus to be present in my life. I super want Him to take over my community. I look around the room sometimes and I see all the wonderful people he has made. Even the ones I don't know or don't like are wonderfully made and that's the cool thing about him...I just want Him to run me over with a truck full of understanding and love so I can start to get how to REALLY love people.
• I think I have one of the coolest jobs in the world. It's small, but it touches a lot of people.
• I think I have a book downstairs. Maybe I should go read that instead of torturing you all with this???
• OK. It's really time for me to find some sleep!

I think I'm in love!

I never knew how passionate I felt about the democratic process. I love an election!!! I can't explain how great it was to go to a polling station today and mark my X on the ballot. For the first time ever, I was passionate about my freedom to vote. I even called people I know and harassed them to get out and vote. I couldn't care less who they were voting for. I just wanted them to vote!!!!!


I think part of the difference for me is the American Presidential race. (Go Obama) That race really got me thinking about the importance of voting for Americans...and then I thought, what about me??? As a Canadian, isn't it important for me to vote??? Well, heck, yes!!! I wasn't particularly taken with any one party leader. I thought they were all equally boring and stiff. And then I watched the English-language leaders debate and fell in love. I actually saw some personality. I was becoming more and more invested in the Canadian political process and now I'm just plain smitten.

And then I really started to think about all the people all over this world who don't have this freedom. There are people that will walk for hours to get to a polling station. The least I can do is hop in my car, drive for five minutes, walk right in, present my ID, and cast my ballot. No one harassed me. No one intimidated me with a machine gun. No one threatened my life. How can I look at the rest of the world and say, "If only you had the democratic freedom to voice your opinion through voting, you'd be much better off" and not go vote myself!

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant. I sure hope you got out to vote...if you didn't, just don't tell me.

today/tomorrow

Today:

1. I am thankful for my children. I never knew two little people could make you feel so much in a 30 second period.
2. I am thankful for time to hang out at home and do nothing but hang out at home.
3. I am thankful that God has brought me to a place where I can make choices based on what is right as opposed to what is right for other people...at least some of the time.
4. I am thankful for another day off work so I can rest my brain a little longer.

Tomorrow:

1. I will be thankful for my children....even when they fight with each other and are driving me crazy or make me want to cry because I love them so much.
2. I will be thankful to go to a friend's house because I spent so much time hanging out at home.
3. I will be thankful that I made the right choice, even though it can be a little lonely.
4. I will be thankful that I have the day off work to rest my brain a little more.

Is it possible in my world?

Excellence.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately; wondering if it's even possible. I have a bent toward it. I desire it. I want to be it....but is it possible for someone like me who lives in this particular context?

When I think of excellence, I think of Olympic athletes, major CEOs, or Mother Theresa. The one thread between them is sacrifice. I think of all the hours focused in one direction. I think of all the time away from family and friends. These are things I cannot do, I will not do, as a single parent. I will not spend hours focused on my work at the expense of my children.

Does this mean I am relegated to a life of professional and personal mediocrity?

What do you think? Let me know. It's always better to process together.

9 years all ready

In just a few short hours, my baby will be 9 years old. It's hard to believe that much time has passed. Just thinking about it makes the screen go blurry with tears. It's incredible to think how much she has lived through in such a short time (at least by western standards). She is such an emotional being. She loves you one minute and hates you the next. You never have to guess where she stands. I've never met anyone quite like her.

She has the most amazing imagination. She can create elegant stories on a whim. She is inquisitive. She wants to know how everything works. She loves to hear people's stories, to listen to their pasts. She loves to learn new facts about everything. She cuddles like the best teddy bear you ever had. She has a fantastic laugh. She loves to pray and understands its power. She gets that there is a God above who loves her and protects her but she doesn't always get him. Sometimes I think she's a grow-up in a kids body.

I never knew how much you could love someone. I had never anticipated that the mere thought of someone could make you cry because they held such beauty.

Miss Emma, my prayer for you on your birthday is that God would make you whole and complete, as your name suggests. I pray that you would find hope in Him. I pray you would learn to let your anger go so all the love you have bottled up inside would go free. I pray that you would have a life of wonder and learning and friendship and love. I pray you never stop looking for answers. Thank you for smiling and laughing and bringing hope to my life. I love you, Sweetie.

I'm back!!!

So I'm gonna give this another go. I'm not sure how informative it will be, but I often have a lot of words left to use at the end of the day....so why not share???

Things have been in flux around this ole house...The girls are now 11 and 9. I am almost 35. We have added a man to our family dynamic, which can be quite interesting at times. NO! He doesn't live with us or anything like that. It's just that I've started dating someone for the first time in 9 years and that is a definite cause for change. My work keeps me piled under paperwork most days. My church community keeps me on my toes. All in all, my life seems more full than it has ever been...some days more than I think possible.

So, I stayed home from work this morning. I decided to "quit" for the morning at least. Yesterday was a high stress day...one that didn't really start to hit me until this morning. So I called in and said I wouldn't be coming. It was a very freeing moment; knowing that I could stay in my pyjamas a little longer...that if I started crying for no good reason all of a sudden, I wouldn't be too embarassed....wondering if HE would come and sit with me for awhile...

Then I got thinking about this. So here I am. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I'm glad to have you along.

I QUIT!!!!!

Well, the week of house cleaning has come to an end, with an entire floor of the house untouched. I've decided I'm done. No more cleaning. No more straightening. No more simplifying. I'm done!!! The only problem is...all that simplifying has left the basement a disaster...and that's where I live!! Not the brightest cookie in the sky, am I. It's time like these when I wish I had a camera for the before and after shots. You would not believe the difference in the girls' rooms. I'm not even sure they will believe it. While there were no major renovations such as paint or knocking down walls, I quick change of furniture and all the clothes off the floor has made a huge impact.

I've continued to do some emotional and spiritual house cleaning as well. It has not been easy and I have gone through an entire box of kleenex, but I feel internally lighter. I need to allow myself to feel sad about situations that are sad. I need to grieve when I am wounded or when I see others wounded. I need to put on a tearful, hurt, sad face sometimes instead of always trying to keep my chin up. I need to allow others to comfort me, even if I don't fully trust the process anymore. I need not take responsibility for the lives of others or their decline. That is up to them. It is not up to me to do all I can to make sure they are safe and to take on all the burdens I can carry so they won't have to (that's a hard one).

What does all this mean? I'm not exactly sure. I think there will be some visible changes to how I spend my time. I think I need to take a hard look at all the things I am involved in and ask myself why I am there. (That's scary for me). I need to have some difficult conversations with people I love and who love me (no, not you!). Then there are a ton of other things I need to do that I don't even know yet. Above all else, I need to make room in my life to experience the love of God, from him directly to me. Not a time of prayer for others. Not seeking his direction for this or that. Simply a time for him to love me.......That will make all the difference.

Yes, I know what time it is!

The girls are gone to camp for the whole week, so here I am, living the dream! When asked what they thought what I'd be doing with my free time, their response was "Party!" If only they knew that I was up late simplifying the kitchen! Oh the glamour.

Honestly, it was hard leaving them at camp today. I know they will have a wonderful time. I sure did when I was their ages. I think it was more the marking of another milestone in their lives. They are old enough to be at sleep away camp for an entire week. How did that happen? Where did the time go? Did I use the time wisely? Who knew dropping your kids off could be such a philosophical adventure? It's just crazy to think that from this point on, I will not be a part of many of the memories they make. They are starting to live their own lives and need to find their own way. No more holding hands. More waves good-bye as they start their grand adventures.

I think I like this!!!

Vacation time is probably the sweetest thing ever. It is also the scariest thing for a single mom that doesn't trust her abilities to parent positively in all situations. However, I declare this current family vacation time to be a success thus far!!! There have not been any major blow ups or accidents, and that's even AFTER 4 hours at Magic Mountain.

So far, we have spent 4 days on the Miramichi at my Dad's camp. Lots of fun swimming in the river, "planting" flowers that mysteriously look like weeds, swimming in the river, playing at the local playground, and more swimming in the river.

Since our return to Moncton, we have seen the movie Hairspray. We all loved it! It was great to watch the girls trying to dance quietly in their seats. The girls have also had a friend sleep over and have spent some time at Magi Mountain. Today, we are back to normal life.

I'll give more details later. My computer time is now up!!!

On The Road Again

As of yesterday, my girls are going on another road trip with their Dad this week. That means two more nights of peace and quiet and the possibility of wearing whatever I want to bed. I should be so excited. This is what I have been longing for for the past 8 years. Time to myself every once in a while. Time to be just one person and responsible for no one but myself.

But it's not what I thought it would be. Come to find out, I have no idea what I like to do. When they are away even for a Saturday, I find myself sitting in my house starring at the TV with no idea what I could do. I don't say that to gain sympathy or "dates". It's just that I didn't realize how much I depend on my kids to fill up my life....wow....that's a lot of responsibility to put on them.
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please standby as the blogger finds a kleenex
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we now return to the blogg in progress
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So I guess we will see what this week brings. Maybe it won't be as weird as I think. Maybe I will go for a long walk in the park or have a movie night with a movie I want to watch. Or maybe I'll crawl in my bed at 7 o'clock and read until midnight. Or maybe I'll go out with friends. I don't really know. Whatever it is, I am going to decide to learn what I like to do and who I am in this new phase of my divorced life.

Thanks for joining me on this ride. I appreciate the company.

Is that what I think it is??

Could it be true? Could it actually be the sun that is creating such a bright light in the sky?? It is so wonderful to feel the warmth of the sun again. I was starting to think that global warming was only a myth!

I don't wanna work

What do you do when you don't want to work? I guess you do this!!! It's been an interest few days as a co-parent. I can certainly see, now more than ever, why God designed for the family unit to stick together. While I have a much better situation than some, it is not easy. Making decisions about your childrens lives while you come from different perspectives is hard. My ex-partner and I don't always see the world or God the same way. How do we bring up our children in the way we should when we don't always agree on the fundamentals? I don't know the answer to that. I guess this is where God's grace and protection for my children comes in.

God, bring it on. We need all of you that we can get.

agh!!

Can I tell you just how much I love and hate the opening day of registration? It is the most fun day of the year because everyone is excited to get things in order for the fall. They are excited to take new courses and buy fresh school supplies. It is the most infuriating time of year because I keep hearing, "Is that course a lot of work? I don't really want to take anything that's hard." To that I say, "YOU ARE IN UNIVERSITY!!!! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE HARD!!!!!!!!"